Ανέκδοτα [Old]

[Nomedor]

Κάποτε το λιοντάρι πάτησε ένα αγκάθι. Τότε φωνάζει:

- Αχ, πονάω...

Τότε περνούσε ένας λαγός και ακούει το λιοντάρι και του λέει:

- Τι μου δίνεις αν σε βοηθήσω;

- Το βασίλειο μου για μια μέρα!!!

Ο λαγός του βγάζει το αγκάθι και γίνεται βασιλιάς για μια μέρα. Μετά από λίγο ηχούν οι σάλπιγγες:

- Τα, τα, τα!!!

Μαζεύονται όλα τα ζώα. Ο λαγός λέει:

- Ανάπαυση, προσοχή. Λύκος, ένα βήμα μπροστά.

- Γιατί δεν φοράς κράνος;

- Παφ, παφ, του δίνει πέντε σφαλιάρες.

Μετά από λίγο ξανά οι σάλπιγγες:

- Τα, τα, τα!!!

Μαζεύονται όλα τα ζώα. Ο λαγός λέει:

- Ανάπαυση, προσοχή. Λύκος, ένα βήμα μπροστά.

- Γιατί δεν φοράς κράνος;

Παφ, παφ, του δίνει πέντε σφαλιάρες.

Μετά από λίγο ξανά οι σάλπιγγες:

- Τα, τα, τα!!!

Μαζεύονται όλα τα ζώα. Ο λαγός λέει:

- Ανάπαυση, προσοχή. Λύκος, ένα βήμα μπροστά.

- Γιατί δεν φοράς κράνος;

Παφ, παφ, του δίνει πέντε σφαλιάρες.

Τέλος πάντων ο λύκος καταματωμένος πάει στο λιοντάρι.

- Βρε, γιατί έδωσες αυτού του τρελού το βασίλειο και μας έχει ταράξει στις σφαλιάρες;! Μίλησε του.

Πάει το λιοντάρι στο λαγό και του λέει

- Εντάξει, είσαι ο βασιλιάς, αλλά χρειάζεται λίγη διπλωματία. Την επόμενη φορά ζήτα του λύκου τσιγάρα. Αν σου φέρει μαλακά πέστου "γιατί μου έφερες μαλακά;" σφαλιάρισέ τον. Αν σου φέρει σκληρά πές του "γιατί μου έφερες σκληρά;" και μετά σφαλιάρισέ τον πάλι.

Εντάξει λέει ο λαγός.

Μετά από λίγο σαλπάνε ξανά οι σάλπιγγες:

- Τα, τα, τα!!!

Μαζεύονται όλα τα ζώα. Ο λαγός λέει:

- Ανάπαυση, προσοχή. Λύκος, ένα βήμα μπροστά.

- Πήγαινε να μου φέρεις τσιγάρα!

- Μαλακά ή σκληρά, λέει ο λύκος;

- Γιατί δεν φοράς κράνος;

Παφ, παφ του δίνει πέντε σφαλιάρες!!

 

[Panahs]

Είσαι μεγαλος ρε Νοmedor! Κορυφαίο ανέκδοτο!

 

Το θυμάμαι που το λέγαμε με την παρέα μου πριν χρόνια!

 

Συγκινήθηκα! ΚΛΑΨ!

[akpe]

Η κυρία Τουλουμπουκίδου Κατερίνα πηγαίνει στον μικροβιολόγο στις 8 το πρωί για εξετάσεις.

 

Ο γιατρός της παίρνει το αίμα και σημειώνει στο μπουκαλάκι τ' όνομά της. Κατά το μεσημέρι μια άλλη κυρία Τουλουμπουκίδου Κατερίνα πηγαίνει επίσης για εξετάσεις αίματος. Ο γιατρός της παίρνει αίμα και σημειώνει τ' όνομά της στο καινούργιο μπουκαλάκι.

 

Το απόγευμα βλέπει ότι στο ένα μπουκαλάκι το αποτέλεσμα είναι ζάχαρο 100 και στο άλλο το αποτέλεσμα είναι AIDS. Το δίλημμα μεγάλο, ποια είναι ποια? Την άλλη μέρα ο σύζυγος της μιας πηγαίνει να πάρει τ' αποτελέσματα και ο γιατρός του λέει:

 

-Ξέρετε, κύριε Τουλουμπουκίδη, η κατάσταση είναι λίγο περίπλοκη. Το μόνο που μπορείτε να κάνετε είναι να πάρετε ένα ταψί μπακλαβά, να το πάτε σπίτι και να ταΐσετε τη γυναίκα σας. Εάν δεν πεθάνει, μη την ξαναπηδήξετε....

[^BOOMBOOM]

 

 

>

>

>

>

> > > >>>> >There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every

> > > >>>> >time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off

the

> > > >>>>lights.

> > > >>>> >Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured

> > > >>>> >she would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while

> > they

> > > >>>>were

> > > >>>> >in the middle of doing it, she turned on the lights. She looked

> > down

> > > >>>> >and saw her husband was holding a dildo. She gets completely

> > upset.

> > > >>>> >"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him,

> > > >>>> >"How could you be lying to me all of these years?You

betterexplain

> > > >>>> >yourself!"

> > > >>>> >The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says,

> > > >>>> >calmly, "I'll explain the dildo if you can explain our three

> > kids."

> >

> >

> > An elderly priest invited a young rabbi over for dinner. During the

meal,

> >

> > the young rabbi couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the

> > housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he began to wonder

> > if there

> > might be more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met

> > the

> > eye.

> > Reading the young rabbi's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I

> > know

> > what you must be thinking, but I assure you my relationship with my

> > housekeeper is purely professional."

> > About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said,

> > "Father, ever since your young rabbi friend came to dinner, I've been

> > unable to find the beautiful sterling silver gravy ladle. You don't

> > suppose he took it, do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but

I'll

> >

> > write him a letter just to be sure."

> > So he sat down and wrote:

> > Dear Rabbi:

> > I'm not saying that you DID take a sterling silver gravy ladle from my

> > house, and I'm not saying you DIDN'T take it. But the fact remains that

> > one

> >

> > has been missing ever since you were here."

> > Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young

> > rabbi which read:

> > Dear Father:

> > I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not

> > saying

> > that you DO NOT sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that

> > if

> > you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy

> > ladle by

> > now."

> >

> > A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a

> > statueof a nude male.

> > "What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis.

> > "Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother.

> > "I want one," said the child.

> > The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable

> > subject, but the little girl persisted."I want one just like that," she

> > kept

> > repeating.

> > At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about

> > it

> > now, when you grow up, you will have one."

> > "And if I'm bad?" asked the little one.

> > "Then," sighed the mother, "You will have many."

> >

> > Max wrote:

> > >

> > > Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their

> > > >work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate

> > > >on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

> > > >

> > > >The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate

> > > >on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical

> > > >order."

> > > >

> > > >The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up

> > > >and everything inside is color-coded.

> > > >

> > > >The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're

> > > >heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are

> > > >interchangable."

> > > >

> >

> > Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known

as

> > > Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical

> > > (SL).

> > > It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent in a

bad

> > > neighborhood.

> > > SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past

> > > half-hour?

> > > SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

> > > SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

> > > SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 5 minutes at the most.

> > What

> > > can we do?

> > > SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to start walking faster.

> > > SM: It is not working.

> > > SL: Of course! He did the logical thing which is to walk faster too.

> > > SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one

minute.

> > > SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. He cannot follow both

of

> > > us.

> > > So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.

> > > Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because

Sister

> > > Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

> > > SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened!

> > > SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of

> > us,

> > > and he opted to follow me.

> > > SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.

> > > SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I

> > > could.

> > > SM: So what happened?

> > > SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run

even

> > > faster.

> > > SM: And then?

> > > SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.

> > > SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?

> > > SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

> > > SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

> > > SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

> > > SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

> > > SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster

> > than

> > > a man with his pants down!

> > >

> > > And you thought it was going to be a dirty joke!

> > >

> >

> >

> > PWS LEGETAI O HONTROS GIANNHS STA GALLIKA: LIPOSAN!!!!

> > PWS LEGETAI O WRAIOS GIANNHS STA GALLIKA: ZAMBON!!!

> >

> >

> >

> > >>A six year old walks into the kitchen where his Mom is

> > preparing a meal;

> > >>"Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping

> > noise coming out

> > >>of your and daddy's room and when I look to see what it

> > is, you are

> > >>sitting

> > >>on top of dad and bouncing up and

> > >>down. Why do you do that?"

> > >>

> > >>The startled mother quickly recovers and says, "Your dad

> > is a little

> > >>overweight and I am trying to get him back to normal size.

> > I bounce on him

> > >>to get all the air out of him."

> > >>

> > >>The little kid just shakes his head and says "Mom you're

> > wasting your

> > >>time."

> > >>

> > >>The mother says "Why is that dear?"

> > >>

> > >>The kid says, "Because, once a week, that nice looking

> > lady next door

> > >>comes

> > >>over and blows daddy right back up."

> >

> >

> > blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA

to

> > NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

> > The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls

> > over to the window to catch a few winks.

> > The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

> > He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,

you

> > pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

> > Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

> > The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you

> > pay

> > me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

> > This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end

to

> > this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

> > The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth

> > to

> > the moon?"

> > The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00

> > bill and hands it to the lawyer.

> > "Okay," says the lawyer, your turn.

> > She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes

down

> > with four legs?"

> > The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his

> > references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and

> > searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he

> > e-mails all his friends and coworker, to no avail.

> > After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.

> > The blonde says,"Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

> > The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,

> > "Well, what's the answer?"

> > Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer

> > $5.00,

> > and goes back to sleep.

> >

> > And you thought blondes were dumm!.. <img src="http://www.insomnia.gr/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

> >

> >

> > This guy goes to a grocery store and asks the clerk behind the counter

> > > > for two cans of dog food.

> > > > "Do you have a dog?" asked the clerk.

> > > > "Yes I do!" replied the puzzled customer.

> > > > "I'm sorry sir" said the clerk "but you're going to have prove to me

> > > that

> > > > you have a dog before I can sell you dog food."

> > > > Back home went the frustrated customer to get his dog and pulled it

on

> > > its

> > > > leash all the way back to the store.

> > > > "Here's my dog!" weezed the tired customer.

> > > > "Thank you sir, here is your two cans of dog food."

> > > > Two days later the guy returns to the same store and goes up to the

> > same

> > > > clerk and says:

> > > > "Two cans of cat food please."

> > > > "Do you have a cat sir?"

> > > > "Of course I do!" said the exasperated customer.

> > > > "I'm sorry sir but I have to see your cat before I can sell you cat

> > > food."

> > > > The guy storms out of the store, goes home, grabs his cat, drags it

> > back

> > > > to the store and holds up the cat by it's tail for the clerk to see.

> > > > "Thank you sir here is your two cans of cat food."

> > > The very next day. The guy returns to the store, approches the clerk

and

> > > places on the counter a white shoebox with a small hole on the cover.

> > > > "Yes sir", asked the clerk, "what can I do for you?"

> > > > "Put your finger in the hole" ordered the customer.

> > > > "I beg your pardon?" said the clerk. "Do as I say!" ordered the guy.

> > > > Cautiously the clerk slid his finger all the way in the hole.

> > > > "Pull it out and tell me what it looks like!" said the guy

> > > > "It looks like [πιπέρι]!" said the disgusted clerk; to which the

customer

> > > > replied

> > > > "THAT'S RIGHT!!, Now give me two rolls of toilet paper!"

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he

> > >>takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous

> > >>petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an

> > >>erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him

> > >>grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

> > >>

> > >>Bob replies, "No, what do you mean."

> > >>

> > >>She says, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule

> > >>that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."

> > >>

> > >>Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down

> > >>on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have

> > >>his way with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities. He

> > >>enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a

> > >>huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers

> > >>out of the steam towards him.

> > >>

> > >>The Huge Man says, "Sir, did you call for me?"

> > >>

> > >>Bob says, "No, what do you mean?"

> > >>

> > >>"You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it

> > >>implies you called for me."

> > >>

> > >>The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the

> > >>bench and sodomizes him. Bob rushes back to the colony office.

> > >>He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist. "May I help

> > >>you?"

> > >>

> > >>Bob says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the

> > >>$500 joining fee."

> > >>

> > >>"But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only

> > >>saw a small fraction of our facilities..."

> > >>

> > >>"Listen lady, I am 67 years old, I get a hard-on once a month,

> > >>but I fart 15 times a day."

> >

[pyro]

enas typos einai trela erwteumenos me mia wendy, wendy wendy den jekolaei ta matia tou, ta ftiaxnoune, kai to sex einai pia prwi meshmeri brady. o typos loipwn paei kai kanei ena tatoo sto kavli tou me to onoma wendy (otan einai shkwmenh leei wendy, otan exei pesei fainete mono to wy). entomejy pernane ta xronia, patreuontai kai pane sto mhnatou melhtos. jamaica! kai oi dyo pernane perifhma, mia mera ekei pou htane kai katourage o typos, mpenei enas jamaicanos, blepei o typos oti kai o jamaicanos eixe tatoo me wy, resu tou kanei, kei esena wendy h gynaika? to exw kanei kai egw tatoo! oxi resy kai wendy tou kanei o rastaman egw exw grapsei welcome to jamaica, have a nice holiday!

 

 

 

<img src="http://www.insomnia.gr/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="http://www.insomnia.gr/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

[mindtrapper]

an eskimo takes his snowmobile to a repair shop to get it fixed. He leaves it there and comes back in a couple of hours. The repairman tells him, "it looks like you blew a seal"

 

the eskimo promptly replied, "no, that's just ice on my beard"

 

 

(kai opoios katalabe, katalabe <img src="http://www.insomnia.gr/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)

[Edgar]

hahaha... ti pineis re mindtrapper...?

kalo pantos <img src="http://www.insomnia.gr/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

 

[wOOzY]

Χεχε,mindtrapper σε παρέσυρε και εσένα το ρέμα του Insomnia;(pyro)... <img src="http://www.insomnia.gr/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Τρομερό... <img src="http://www.insomnia.gr/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

[mindtrapper]

parasyrthika ontos... kairos itan.... <img src="http://www.insomnia.gr/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> basika gia to ti pino kanena sxolio! einai apla pagos sti geneida mou!! xaxaxaxa <img src="http://www.insomnia.gr/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

[Edgar]

einai apla pagos sti geneida mou

ksirisou re si ligo, gia na min kanei toso BAM <img src="http://www.insomnia.gr/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

 

[me27yo]

Είναι ο Τάκης και η Natasha (γνωστοι απο την διαφημιση τις telestet) σε ένα μπαλκόνι στο Πασαλιμάνι στις

11/5/2003.

Από κάτω χαμός: κόσμος πανηγυρίζει, συνθήματα, κασκόλ, πανό,φωτοβολίδες, της κακομοίρας.

Natasha: Takis, what is this?

Τάκης: A! This? Every year!!!

(σορυ αν καποιους ισως τους ενοχλησει λογω ομαδας , εγω απλα το βρηκα πολυ εξυπνο και ειπα να το postarω να γελασουμε......ελπιζω ολοι να εχουν χιουμορ και να μην με περασουν γενεες 14......)

 

[EXoRCiST]

me27yo

said:

Είναι ο Τάκης και η Natasha (γνωστοι απο την διαφημιση τις telestet) σε ένα μπαλκόνι στο Πασαλιμάνι στις

11/5/2003.

Από κάτω χαμός: κόσμος πανηγυρίζει, συνθήματα, κασκόλ, πανό,φωτοβολίδες, της κακομοίρας.

Natasha: Takis, what is this?

Τάκης: A! This? Every year!!!

(σορυ αν καποιους ισως τους ενοχλησει λογω ομαδας , εγω απλα το βρηκα πολυ εξυπνο και ειπα να το postarω να γελασουμε......ελπιζω ολοι να εχουν χιουμορ και να μην με περασουν γενεες 14......)

 

Χαχαχαχαχα (Αν και Αρειανός <img src="http://www.insomnia.gr/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />)

[Edgar]

DEN einai akribos anekdoto, alla exei plaka <img src="http://www.insomnia.gr/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

 

Ήταν ωραία εκείνη τη μέρα. Είχε καθαριστεί προσεκτικά και είχε αποφασίσει να βγει έξω. Ήταν τόσο όμορφη! Το πίσω μέρος της κουνιόταν ρυθμικά καλώντας Τους. Προχώρησε σε ένα από τα γνωστά της μέρη. Οι δρόμοι φαίνονταν μπλεγμένοι σε έναν ατέλειωτο λαβύρινθο.

 

Και τότε Τον είδε. Έδειχνε τόσο αρρενωπός! Ο σκελετός του ήταν τέλεια διαμορφωμένος. Έδειχνε πως έψαχνε και αυτός για ταίρι. Πήγε κοντά του και του χαμογέλασε. Αντάλλαξαν μερικές κουβέντες και σε λίγο πέταγαν μαζί σε ουρανούς ευτυχίας. Ήταν τέλειος. Ήταν κάτι πρωτόγνωρο αυτό που ένιωθε. Ήξερε πως τα παιδιά που θα αποκτούσε τώρα θα ήταν τέλεια σαν Αυτόν.[...]

 

Αυτός είδε το αντικείμενο που ερχόταν καταπάνω τους με ορμή. Ήταν τόσο κοντά τους που άρχισε να δείχνει επικίνδυνο. Τρόμαξαν και οι δύο και άρχισαν να τρέχουν πανικόβλητοι προσπαθώντας να ξεφύγουν.

 

Όμως ήταν πολύ αργά. Το αντικείμενο έπεσε επάνω τους και τους σύνθλιψε. Ο σκελετός τους έσπασε σε πολλά σημεία αφήνοντας ρευστό, πηχτό υγρό να αναβρύσει. Το κάθε τμήμα Της αποκόπηκε ενώ το κεφάλι Της καταστράφηκε σπάζοντας τις καλοσχηματισμένες κεραίες. Αυτός είχε θρυμματιστεί εντελώς. Ω, τι τραγωδία για το αγαπημένο ζευγάρι!...

 

_Η μπέμπα είπε ενθουσιασμένη: "Μαμά, κοίτα: σκότωσα δύο μυρμήγκια μαζί!"_

 

by Γιώργος Σχίζας

[tevatron]

Paei o Ploutarxos sta Goody's na tsimpisei kati kai paragelnei ena RICHIE. Pernei to disko kai opws paei na figei peftei panw mia typissa kai tou to rixnei katw. Tote autos suntetrimmenos fwnazei AX TO RICHIE MOU!!!!!!!

[Nitrous18]

Einai ena paidi pou ton lene GIANNH XIONI kai gnorizei mia kopela tin ANOIKSH. Meta apo epimones prospathies o gianis na tin rixei. Meta apo kairo ta ftiaxnoun kai o giannis ithele na to kanoun alla den ixere pos na to brei, meta apo kairo skuetike kati kai tis leei: EXEIS DEI 20 PONTOUS XIONI MESA STHN ANOIKSH???